2 nov 25 dimanche
@578
i believe it is supposed to be week 6 of school – i technically count as a freshman because it was prep year last year. i joined 3 student clubs, one of which is the film club which i am most excited about, i might even get on top of it in the upcoming years ? which would be funny bc im definitely not even qualified. it’s very slow living nowadays, not much chaos happening around – just participating in the after-school activities here and there, studying, drinking coffee, few days of daydrinking, and so on.
speaking of, here is what i'm having for breakfast (as of writing this) today:
• iced caramel latte from local coffee shop
• store-bought croissant
summer was a mixture of things, i think the first few weeks were with a lot of excitement, that feeling of freedom “finally, i’m out of school – fuck the french language!!!!” and it kinda went downhill from there. but we have some ups:
• starting off, i am especially excited to announce that, the wish list I made at the start of the year (you can find it here is completed !!!!
….okay, almost – it’s just missing those sunglasses. BUT! i did actually buy some sunglasses that are. almost identical, and cheaper. so… i deffo count that. i would like to note that the list was actually completed just not long ago, with the last item being the watch – which i am wearing right now.
(wait, just checked, i am actually carrying all the items except the cup ??? can we say that this proves it’s not just some “phase”?)
• this summer, i was very lucky to get some games for my switch ! i know the switch isn’t very happening right now, especially with the release of the 2nd gen, but i absolutely adore my switch lite – which i bought earlier this year, and it’s especially important to me because this is my first gaming console, and also switch was like. my dream console, growing up I was a big nintendo fanboy even tho i didn’t actually have any of the consoles. moreover, i think it was especially excited about getting my hands on my first copy of animal crossing ! as a child i played wild world here and there (ifykyk, sry 4 being so balkanic :/) but it never felt like the original experience. nooow… i have a beautiful island in acnh, and also on the plus side, the game that was left untouched for years, literally announced an update, around the time i bought it, lucky much?
• i killed some of my bad habits, and i know its tiring to see this for like the hundredth time but i am proud to announce that i am back to a social smoker status! i haven’t had a cigarette for a month, and even that was like just one cig from a friend, i haven’t bought a pack in ages, and the smell of it really irritates me a lot which is kinda helping me *not* touch em. i was never the type to “chain-smoke” to begin with, but i was on the road to becoming one, so this is a nice accomplishment, i believe.
• in the middle of the shitstorm that was the summer of 25, i found the time to check-in, and find some peace, and worked hard to maintain my mental health. i had some falling out with certain people, and i made peace with the fact that certain things aren’t meant to be, and “if it doesn’t serve you, let it go”. i have talked about this briefly before (i don’t know if i archived them or not) but since last year, i am strictly protecting myself or rather my mental health, which sometimes make me question if i turned into a self-centered person or not, and i am on the path of “bettering myself”, or “healing” – which isn’t a linear process, and god knows i fucked up a couple of times, but i am especially making sure to block out any people who makes me feel like I am shrinking, or avoid being in any environment that makes me uncomfortable (import the kim cattrall quote here).
this summer i posted a very personal entry that i honestly regretted a little, because it felt like an invasion of privacy (which i did it to myself?) and i remember reading someone’s guestbook who was talking a bit about protecting the privacy, things to do and not to do, so i did what i do the best,
i brought down the whole entry section and replaced it with a snoopy img as a placeholder :)
i now believe i have some sort of idea or a vision on what i want to do with my website , i'll try again, and who knows? maybe i'll grow into it, or maybe not. maybe i will take it down again, abandon it for weeks or months, replace the whole site with an image of a cheese.
anyways, as always, thank you for being here --
lots of love,
syd
9 nov 25 dimanche
@871
today, i decided to wake up early to take a walk in the morning. my campus has an absolutely amazing scenery which i always admired but never took the time to fully appreciate. i walked for an hour. during this hour i listened to for the summer, or forever, an album by halftribe which pretty nicely aligned with the moment at the time.
i am not the type to really "meditate", at least not in the usual sense, and maybe this was more of a classic form of meditation which i quite enjoyed. i would like to do activities like this more often, not specifically walking but taking some time to self-reflect, stay grounded, and feel alive.
changing the subject, i have partials coming up tomorrow which is always a nice surprise - i'm worried but i'm not, i'm anxious and freaking out but also i'm as cool as a cucumber. it's a mixture of feelings i have grown to dislike...
i would also like to take this time to wish well on my fellow peers who are also going through academic struggles. you're not alone... yes i might've cried and had some breakdowns here and there and that one time but it's not all bad.
at least i hope ???
syd
(february)
since jan 17, i watched:
anora (2024)
babygirl (2024)
big little lies (hbo, 2017)
high fidelity (hulu show, rewatch, 2020)
abbott elementary season 3
(and some of the season 4 but it's still being aired)
in vogue: the 90s (documentary on d+, 2024)
veep (seasons 1-5 / hbo)
the comeback (two seasons / hbo)
bridget jones diary
started normal people but not finished :/
i also plan to watch queer, all of us strangers, fellow travellers, and severance. i also saw a new show on prime called clean state which also looks fun to watch.
during this month, i also read my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh, and everything i know about love by dolly alderton. these are, very easy-to-read books, but i have been struggling with getting back to my reading habits, so these two were great to get me back on track.
this month i decided to consume media, and drown myself in it - i wanted to rest in my little room.
may 3
i totally forgot i was doing this...
sometimes i think that - whenever i return to SYDNIA , or rather just coding, it means i'm recessing, or dare I say relapsing, maybe because I associated it with negative sentiments.
i have been all over the place lately , and i have been great at reflecting it in whether my projects, my output towards people or in an academic sense. i feel like an outsider looking in, my mind is scattered, like my mind is somewhere else.
this was something i was aware of but recently it slapped me on the face when my french teacher gave me a reality check -
which i'm so glad she did, i love her, even though it kinda hurt... but not because of her, because she praised me so much - but she praised the before syd , not this new syd that she has been seeing for a awhile. how i used to be something so much better, etc.
few weeks ago i took a trip with my college friends, just a quick weekend getaway, this part of the country near the sea. it's been so... so long since i have seen the sea, due to my college town being nowhere near. and that weekend, it was significantly more important to me, because it was my anniversary - anniversary of my "revival".
(im really sorry if this is cheesy)
but i was not enjoying it at all. my mind was not there- despite my friends best attempts. i guess my past has been catching up to me, or it's moreso i am sabotaging this time where i finally reached a calm state of mind.
this part of country - it lets me be my true self, without anyone from my hometown. here, i feel free, i'm breathing, reached tranquility, comme ça.
i need to get a fucking grip. i can't let this feeling render me useless.
instead... maybe, i can find a way to work around it - wear it around like a badge.
the windbreaker
whenever that particular wind blows, i feel your touch - and every inch of me quivers. it's like a soft kiss of a ghost from the past, which renders me useless. for a brief moment, i am back in that state of mind... i give in.
and when the present catches up to me, i gather my thoughts, and breathe the old familiar air, without chanting your name.
-
ps:
not relapsing.
just getting it out of my system.
may 4
the weather has been a beautiful mess lately - it's not dependable at all, some days it rains for days and it even snowed in april, but lately the sun has been making a comeback and it's safe to say it will stay for good. as for me, my mind is still not *really* here. this weekend was just me rotting in bed and eventually stopping by the cafe for the public wi-fi.
my finals are slowly coming up, and after there is *the* exam in june. so it is crucial for me to lock tf in. i am still trying to figure out how. i'm very tired of this period in my life. i want to go back home and crawl up in my bed, act like time has stopped.
et aussi - la façon dont j'ai vraiment besoin de commencer à parler français niveau B1 maintenant, c'est juste... wow. ouais. je suis tellement épuisé, genre je te jure.
lord give me strengthh
consumerism manifesto
1- ray-ban wayfarer. i know this is worn to hell but i need classic yet timeless, chic sunglasses ...
2- a gold casio watch because i can't read analog (this is embarrassing actually) but they look so adorable
3- puma speedcats. conflicted between red and black. but puma palermos probably make much more sense.
4- aqua kiss bodyspray. or marine splash. i haven't actually smelled either - i need to do that before.
5- bunch of shiny gold necklaces… with lots of popping colours.
6- a big, and i mean birkin 40 type of big, black bag so i can stuff all my items in .......
7- a stanley - and yes this is actually way too much like i dont really need this lmfao be so ffr
so yeah definitely not a material person here ... 😭😭
@433
something shifted - and by that i mean , i got a sudden illness that just slapped me on the face real good.
i think it's something to do with these iced lattes - or maybe my roomie getting a little sick , or both. but i have been sleeping and skipping classes for few days. but i have also been studying, so it's not all bad. today i am going back home - it's my sister's bday and mine is coming up in 5 days. i got her a beautiful bag and a copy of sunrise on the reaping. actually i didn't get it for her, but i know i'm not going to read it at the moment so why not turn it into a little gift?
as for me - i don't know how my birthday is going to be. i'm not gonna be at home so not with my family, that's for sure. aand i'm not talking to my friends from last year.
so it's all just... me?
may 14
after what might have been the loneliest and one of the worst birthdays ever in my life - i am 20 now.
i guess i feel a little bit lost. there is some sense of direction but i lack the drive - i lack a sense of belonging and nothing feels quite right at the time. i'm a bit disoriented and i have severe mood swings particularly these last two days. a birthday is as celebration but this felt particularly full of grieving - and i was grieving a part of me that never seen the light of day. never quite fitting in - always feeling like an outsider looking in and not feeling a core community. my past abandoning me. my future out of reach for the time being. stuck in now with nowhere to go. people around me are not the familiar faces - and so is the bed i lay in.
someone in particular has told me that even if i feel lost… "just look at yourself now - and then look back at you one year ago. if there is growth there, there is a change, it means you made it."
and it might just mean i made it.
may 15
today i re-evaluated my thoughts. who could've known that a walk to home (well, my dorm - but i made it home) at 6 am after a night of clubbing and drinking hard could do wonders for your mental health?
at that moment i felt free and down-to-earth. i watched the World around me glow.
(there is a possibility that i was just hammered and it wasn't all that special.)
when i got to my room i just fell. fell to my bed and woke up at 6pm. my head still spins around and i lost my voice. when i was in the dancefloor i realised i was alone again - surrounded by couples, but it wasn't tragic --
instead it felt freeing.
july 6 / @30.60
and just like that... i am back home -- and it felt so strange re-reading these. i got home exactly 2 weeks ago, and i gotta say... may was one of those weird months that gave me clarity on things. june was one where i was very busy, with many, many exams and lots of library/study sessions. what was cherry on top was how my laptop decided to just... not open ?
it was 6 am (i know, i know...), i returned to my dorm from library and just... fell asleep, or as i'd like to say, lose my damn conciousness because that was the best sleep in my life probably. when i woke up, like, 12 hours later, my laptop, which worked perfectly all night at the library, decided to not open???
anyways, when i got here i gave it to the service and they replaced the motherboard. thank GOD it was warranty-covered.
as for what i am doing now... i don't know? 2 weeks went by just me trying to collect my thoughts, catching my breath, find me again lol but rly it was one with lots of rest -- up until the redesign (wink)
i dont know what awaits... that's good. i like the element of surprise :) i have good thoughts for this summer. i really hope it goes well, where i try to cross things off my wishlist lol.
ocean air, salty hair... sun-kissed glow... aaaaah !!!!!! can u tell i loveee summer?
well except the constant sweating. and the sunburn. and random mosquito bites all over your body...
yeaaaa..........
uuuuuh.... YEAH!