2 nov 25 dimanche
@578

i believe it is supposed to be week 6 of school – i technically count as a freshman because it was prep year last year. i joined 3 student clubs, one of which is the film club which i am most excited about, i might even get on top of it in the upcoming years ? which would be funny bc im definitely not even qualified. it’s very slow living nowadays, not much chaos happening around – just participating in the after-school activities here and there, studying, drinking coffee, few days of daydrinking, and so on.

speaking of, here is what i'm having for breakfast (as of writing this) today:
• iced caramel latte from local coffee shop
• store-bought croissant

summer was a mixture of things, i think the first few weeks were with a lot of excitement, that feeling of freedom “finally, i’m out of school – fuck the french language!!!!” and it kinda went downhill from there. but we have some ups:

• starting off, i am especially excited to announce that, the wish list I made at the start of the year (you can find it here is completed !!!!
….okay, almost – it’s just missing those sunglasses. BUT! i did actually buy some sunglasses that are. almost identical, and cheaper. so… i deffo count that. i would like to note that the list was actually completed just not long ago, with the last item being the watch – which i am wearing right now. (wait, just checked, i am actually carrying all the items except the cup ??? can we say that this proves it’s not just some “phase”?)

• this summer, i was very lucky to get some games for my switch ! i know the switch isn’t very happening right now, especially with the release of the 2nd gen, but i absolutely adore my switch lite – which i bought earlier this year, and it’s especially important to me because this is my first gaming console, and also switch was like. my dream console, growing up I was a big nintendo fanboy even tho i didn’t actually have any of the consoles. moreover, i think it was especially excited about getting my hands on my first copy of animal crossing ! as a child i played wild world here and there (ifykyk, sry 4 being so balkanic :/) but it never felt like the original experience. nooow… i have a beautiful island in acnh, and also on the plus side, the game that was left untouched for years, literally announced an update, around the time i bought it, lucky much?

• i killed some of my bad habits, and i know its tiring to see this for like the hundredth time but i am proud to announce that i am back to a social smoker status! i haven’t had a cigarette for a month, and even that was like just one cig from a friend, i haven’t bought a pack in ages, and the smell of it really irritates me a lot which is kinda helping me *not* touch em. i was never the type to “chain-smoke” to begin with, but i was on the road to becoming one, so this is a nice accomplishment, i believe.

• in the middle of the shitstorm that was the summer of 25, i found the time to check-in, and find some peace, and worked hard to maintain my mental health. i had some falling out with certain people, and i made peace with the fact that certain things aren’t meant to be, and “if it doesn’t serve you, let it go”. i have talked about this briefly before (i don’t know if i archived them or not) but since last year, i am strictly protecting myself or rather my mental health, which sometimes make me question if i turned into a self-centered person or not, and i am on the path of “bettering myself”, or “healing” – which isn’t a linear process, and god knows i fucked up a couple of times, but i am especially making sure to block out any people who makes me feel like I am shrinking, or avoid being in any environment that makes me uncomfortable (import the kim cattrall quote here).

this summer i posted a very personal entry that i honestly regretted a little, because it felt like an invasion of privacy (which i did it to myself?) and i remember reading someone’s guestbook who was talking a bit about protecting the privacy, things to do and not to do, so i did what i do the best,

i brought down the whole entry section and replaced it with a snoopy img as a placeholder :)

i now believe i have some sort of idea or a vision on what i want to do with my website , i'll try again, and who knows? maybe i'll grow into it, or maybe not. maybe i will take it down again, abandon it for weeks or months, replace the whole site with an image of a cheese.

anyways, as always, thank you for being here --
lots of love,
syd

9 nov 25 dimanche
@871

today, i decided to wake up early to take a walk in the morning. my campus has an absolutely amazing scenery which i always admired but never took the time to fully appreciate. i walked for an hour. during this hour i listened to for the summer, or forever, an album by halftribe which pretty nicely aligned with the moment at the time.

i am not the type to really "meditate", at least not in the usual sense, and maybe this was more of a classic form of meditation which i quite enjoyed. i would like to do activities like this more often, not specifically walking but taking some time to self-reflect, stay grounded, and feel alive.



changing the subject, i have partials coming up tomorrow which is always a nice surprise - i'm worried but i'm not, i'm anxious and freaking out but also i'm as cool as a cucumber. it's a mixture of feelings i have grown to dislike...

i would also like to take this time to wish well on my fellow peers who are also going through academic struggles. you're not alone... yes i might've cried and had some breakdowns here and there and that one time but it's not all bad.

at least i hope ???

syd

2 dec 25 mardi
@3

i have been feeling a little disconnected from writing for a little while, i don’t know if it’s a “writing block” – i don’t believe the term applies here, but i have also been neglecting my personal journal as well (actually, i have been neglecting that for a long while, which is a bit embarassing) which might all be indicating a certain block.

but me, im doing just fine. a week ago or something i had this big revelation , a self-discovery if you will which kinda put my mind at ease, what i want to be and what i want to do – and i can feel myself forging a certain path. the truth is i knew what i wanted to do and “be” for a long time, but i just, forgot? life happened and i put it in the backseat and last year was me focusing solely on french (prep school) which was the main focus so the broader goal was just… nowhere to be found?

however, after all the dots were connected, my mind was set, it really helped me think and reflect on what i am putting my energy into and if “it” actually deserves my time or not. the priorities before now seem irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
no i haven’t lost my mind. it’s a second spring, or rather, my second time (which is the name of my favorite… thing i wrote last year, which is wow, last year???)

and also, some things to point out. it's 1 am, the air is cold – my roommates are all sleeping (one is snoring which is kinda adorable right now but will turn into a pain in the ass when i finish this and sleep), i’m wearing red christmas socks, i was back home for few days and i think im obsessed with playing fortnite with my ipad nowadays which is kinda embarrassing to admit but also fuck it. it's a strange phase that’s welcome to stay, until the finals.

i would love to stay here and talk more to you beautiful people – but i think i’m going to keep this one short and sweet for tonight. excuse certain typos. i hope that this entry encourages me to write more. i won’t say sorry for being inactive bc that’s an ugly habit of mine. but just know.

last thing, my mind is stuck on evita today – you should totally stream zegler’s rainbow high performance, it’s rly phenomenal ♥︎

okay okay.
kisses and nighty night to all
syd

13 dec 25 samedi
@715

it's the damn season !

sitting in a coffeeshop – i am writing this letter to you directly, dear reader, hoping you’ll receive it.
even though it is the season - i am very sad to announce that there is no snow YET, fingers crossed that i'll see it. the air is definitely in the season, it is cold as ice ! i am even drinking a pumpkin spice which is very senorita awesome of me.

here are some things that have happened while i was gone:

1- i have been playing some Minecraft (i'm in that two week phase) with a friend of mine – we made a christmas realm which i think is super adorable.

2- i set up a christmas tree for the first time in my life – actually, i bought it for a first time! technically *we* bought it – my friend has a house and we are going to spend the winter together so few of us decided to surprise her with a christmas tree which she really wanted to get. it's totally adorable ! it was such a fun experience too. the funny thing is she’s my secret santa too hahaha so it was a nice addition too. idk who’s my secret santa though . or my gift. fingers crossed it’s not who i think lol

3- vision board! last year’s vision board was really successful imo – i was really surprised to see how many i checked off or how many of em i really manifested. so, as the new year slowly approaches i bought myself a small red journal (last year was a long blue one) where i have slowly started building my vision board. i'm not really satisfied with it at the moment though, it needs a little fixing and it needs to grow tbh. but i also found it very interesting to realize that i have put less and less material objects in it , is that a sign of a character development or is it a sign of depression of how me, out of all people, do not care for … shopping? jokes aside, seeing the differences between this year’s board and last year made me realize how much of a different place in life i am right now. i have built a really strong foundation – i don’t feel “hungry to grow” the way I did last year. it's much more vague now ? i can’t really explain it well but that’s a good thing maybe.

overall it has been kind of uneventful. i am spending time with friends, drinking coffee non-stop, NOT SMOKING! i haven’t smoked in months. i have really kicked off that bad habit which is fucking amazing – excuse the language ! but i feel at ease. peaceful. content.

to note lastly, while i was writing this letter to you, i have been eye-ing with a totally cute stranger (he’s in my dorm actually) which left before i could finish this letter to you. should i blame you for ruining a possible meet-cute? or is the right guy just around the corner, buying a latte?

till next time -
syd