july 7

before i start...

yes, school is over ! it has been a crazy ride in which i was so sad to not able to interact w u guys… mkay, mkay, let's see here!

after i moved away to start my new life as an University Student™ -- everything totally changed! ...yes, there *was* struggle (as visible in my excerpts.html file -- we will not talk about it.) but after i got myself comfortable here i really did love it.
fyi i'm not *really* a freshman, in turkey we have this thing called "hazırlık yılı" -- which literally means prep year. what it is, is basically if ur department is in a foreign language (usually english - in my case it's actually french !), you spend a year learning it full-time before jumping into ur actual degree.
kiinda like a gap year INSIDE the uni system -- no major-related classes yet, but ur still officially enrolled.

so that was basically what i was doing this year academically -- just… taking french classes like 24 hours/week. i *did* pass which means i am lowkey-officially a b1-french-speaker... but to be honest with u? i will still say j'ai marché rapidement to imply i ran. which is so funny to me because i am able to perlfectly convey plus-que-parfait which doesn't literally exist in english as far as i'm concerned, nor in turkish, but when it comes to saying simple as... running… i flake.

but enough of french-talk! the reason i couldn't really maintain updates is because i stay in a government-assigned dorm with… an internet that has weird limitations. like up until may i wasn't allowed to go on neocities because it was ??? banned ??? which is... a decision. plus it was slow as hell -- i couldn't even see any messages i received nor facetimes. and my mobile data plan is 20 gb/month. 20 gb! that wasn't enough at *all*.

but i gotta be honest. having no internet was … somehow the best *and* worst thing that could've happened to me. good in the way that i had a really healthy screen time, more time to focus on myself mentally and also physically, and it made me realize "damn… my mother was right. it is that damn phone. -- and bad in the way that i felt very disconnected and alienated from the World, i couldn't keep up with news very much and i wasn't able to interact with my family back home very much.

besides several breakdown moments, actually more than several -- dozens, i have made it out alive. barely, but still. i would so much prefer this to the hell experience that was 2024. i spent the past… 8-9? months learning french, surviving the cafeteria food, and slowly turning into the person i kinda always wanted to be. somewhere in between the late-night tram rides and poor dorm lighting, i found peace -- sometimes, not always.
i actually learned so much, both in the sense of my classes lol but more importantly, i had to overcome some obstacles and rise above. but compared to the overwhelming shitstorm of 2024 fall, i really do feel like i'm in a better place. during this time i also started to journal my thoughts (maybe this was because of the absence of SYDNIA lol), and having a routine made me feel better, more planned, more focused.

i met lots of cool people here and also fell off with some of my pre-existing friends. it made me question things, and also made me realize a pattern in my friendships - i always seemed to tolerate more than my friends, or how i felt like i was shrinking in certain group settings (this, specifically this realization literally saved my life, and i was determined to keep my distance with them). yes, things have changed, but as you guessed by now, i embrace change! i came to terms long ago that for me, personally, things would never really stay the same all the time. plus, i'm still young, i'm still growing as a person, and i still have 4 years here to figure out who i am and find my people. it's all okay.

and… if ur thinking whether or not i am still smoking… i didn't really *quit* - but it's in a place where i'm not stress-smoking or it's an excessive thing. i have barely smoked 5 cigs this month. every once in a while the smell disgusts me which is really helpful for me to quit it. now, i would say i am a social-smoker. i smoke when i am in a club and its 3 am and im drunk so it doesnt even matter at that point, or i'm having a beautiful cocktail, or a really, really juicy gossip is being told in the table … (stares away guilty-ly)

mkay, mkay. and what about now?
well, i am in my hometown, really resting, or going out w friends. during the e-shop sales i got my hands on persona 5 royal which i have obvi played before but it's always a delight to return back to that game, to shuake. so i would say i'm playing that on my switch lite (which! i got in smth around april -- with my own savings!!! it was so fun! i am broke to buy games for it but we wont talk about that. PS: it's that gamecube purple one!!!) -- and also, wimbledon!! i am not the biggest tennis fan, it's something im working on -- i decided in a breakdown that i wasn't going to be a meaningless, hobby-less person so i kinda forced myself to get into tennis. OKAY THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE but honestly i have been loving it (the watching part. I SOOOO WANT TO LEARN THOUGH!) i'm really rooting for jannik. i rly do hope he gets to win! and for the women's singles, i was rooting for a naomi osaka comeback which honestly breaks my heart to see her struggle that much.

okay. that was a lot, huh? guess i had a lot to get off my chest. which is honestly fair considering for how long i have been neglecting this space. i'm hoping that this new *era* of sydnia can do better, be better. i have talked about feeling out of place with the website before so i won't really go into detail with that, but basically i felt the layout -- even though i LOVED it -- felt a little restrictive, and this is something i have seen other webmasters talk about too, it was more about the presentation rather than content for me.
so i kinda did what i do the best --

i teared it apart.
lol

sorry :/ but also not sorry tbh.......

in terms of sydnia, i have been feeling a lil lost. i hope this new re-do motivates me more. i also realized i have a serious lack of participation in the small web, i was a lil isolated which made me feel, icky? i want to contribute more, be part of something. i guess it's hard to adapt into for me, due to my brain literally fried from the modern social media and doomscrolling. but i do want to be alive in the community and interact more. 🫠🫠🫠

i think that's all i have to say for now? (me saying this as if i didnt type an entry which shares the same length w/ bible?)
thank u for being here and also if u read to this point give urself a pat on the back. thank u ♥︎

with lots, and lots of love…

Syd