welcome to night logs, a mini-compilation of fleeting thoughts ♥︎

thoughts written here doesn't come with the date as it is not noted - most are thoughts with a time gap. it might be small or random or a small revelation. it might not make sense.
just a lil heads up.

(2026 update: i have been meaning to update this page for a while, and i finally did. i added a few new old entries , archived some old old ones, and also changed the design a little bit. i hope you like it.)

use the dreamy navigation above to get started

currently listening: anyone who knows what love is (will understand) by irma thomas

the moon is kinda haunting me for the last couple of days.

i noticed this the moment i wrote.i catch myself drifting away to the moon. it's so glorious. yesterday i felt the moonlight on my face (i don't know how to explain it. but it felt beautiful.) and it was a full moon too (july 10)… there is a repeated theme in my life about the moon, the star and the sea.

my life is full of symbolism -- or so i believe, but i'm not someone who's particularly informed about the moon phases.

maybe it's the transformation time... maybe it's twilight all over =)

letting go sometimes i am scared i will never able to let go and that the seeds have been planted so deep inside me that no matter what, i will always be stuck in the past, reminiscing, never fully moving on.

(i have never in the last 6 months in my life said these thoughts out-loud, i think.)

i needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts again after i typed that sentence.
...but still, when i look at myself, i know - in my heart, i have confronted and released the ghost. it's out in the world, somewhere else, haunting another poor soul. not me. not again. i know, again - in my heart, i have shown true progress, experienced things new and exciting, without ever needing to chant his name. i stand in my own two feets, facing the world, and i keep walking the earth… for the second time :)

and i guess… healing isn't a linear path. there will be doubt. there will be times i fall -- but it will be equal to the amount of times i rise… actually, no, it won't be equal, but rather, i will get back on my feet 10 times more than i fall.

the wind will blow again, time to time. i will not pay it any attention.

because no matter what it might feel like… i pulled the roots out.

dear dad,
i sometimes worry that you have put a generational curse on my back. i’m so afraid of turning out like you. so when your own sister looked into my eyes and saw you i was distraught to say the least.

even though i say im not, i am so much like you. it’s just that when someone points that out i focus on the bad parts of you. that part weighs more.

so i wont say i miss you for the millionth time. if i’m being rational it’s probably for the better. i know it’s for the better. and even then i know you look at me, protect me in your own ways.

i just wish i wasn’t a son but a friend. i wish i could’ve played a bigger role in your life. i wish you could be more than the pictures in the drawer, or stories told by people who loved you yet could only come that realization after your departure. i wish you had more advantage in life — that the odds would’ve been in your favor. i wish that even though i know you do, i could hear you say that you love me. one last time.

so no, i won’t say i miss you…

not out loud.

syd

(04:48)
chanted your name into the midnight sky, knowing full well that the prayers will be left unanswered

why do i do this to myself?

--

(???)
and the solace leads me back to you, sparkling in my mind

i have yet to see you, out in the daylight.

--

()
then, i found myself, amidst the storm
as if the last four weeks was just a dream

nothing changed yet everything did.

and i know,

i was so close

i don't know who i am --
i forgot it.
it's million times walking the road
each route i turn out more confused than before
and with this emptiness and disorientation

and every stepping stone is ruined
and i burned so many bridges i lost track of em
yet i am still…
still clueless than the first time

yet through and through
i still search for the Lord

he's not answering

total blackout and disoriented.
the streetlamps bright up the streets yet i continuously wander off blind.
the shackles are broken yet i still yearn for the freedom that was never mine.
the Gates are open, and so am I ready, and I am ready -- yet one foot stands behind, hesitating,
not realizing I am still tied up.

the fingers move without acknowledgment.
it's probably dogshit
yet it still holds some sort of value.

the trick is to
rebuild,
rebuild,
rebuild,

breakdown and breakthrough -
breathe and reboot,

nothing matters
yet everything matters

live to the fullest and scratch that.

suddenly,
everything loses its value.