welcome to night logs, a mini-compilation of fleeting thoughts ♥︎
this page includes autoplay (it might not play sometimes. kinda has a self-will i suppose?) so it might be a little loud, so you might want to turn down your volume a little bit.

thoughts written here doesn't come with the date as it is not noted - most are thoughts with a time gap. it might be small or random or a small revelation. it might not make sense.
just a lil heads up.

use the dreamy navigation above to get started...

currently listening: anyone who knows what love is (will understand) by irma thomas

the moon is kinda haunting me for the last couple of days.

i noticed this the moment i wrote.i catch myself drifting away to the moon. it's so glorious. yesterday i felt the moonlight on my face (i don't know how to explain it. but it felt beautiful.) and it was a full moon too (july 10)… there is a repeated theme in my life about the moon, the star and the sea.

my life is full of symbolism -- or so i believe, but i'm not someone who's particularly informed about the moon phases.

maybe it's the transformation time... maybe it's twilight all over =)

letting go

sometimes i am scared i will never able to let go and that the seeds have been planted so deep inside me that no matter what, i will always be stuck in the past, reminiscing, never fully moving on.

(i have never in the last 6 months in my life said these thoughts out-loud, i think.)

i needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts again after i typed that sentence.
...but still, when i look at myself, i know - in my heart, i have confronted and released the ghost. it's out in the world, somewhere else, haunting another poor soul. not me. not again. i know, again - in my heart, i have shown true progress, experienced things new and exciting, without ever needing to chant his name. i stand in my own two feets, facing the world, and i keep walking the earth… for the second time :)

and i guess… healing isn't a linear path. there will be doubt. there will be times i fall -- but it will be equal to the amount of times i rise… actually, no, it won't be equal, but rather, i will get back on my feet 10 times more than i fall.

the wind will blow again, time to time. i will not pay it any attention.

because no matter what it might feel like…

i pulled the roots out.

syd

dear dad,
i sometimes worry that you have put a generational curse on my back. i’m so afraid of turning out like you. so when your own sister looked into my eyes and saw you i was distraught to say the least.

even though i say im not, i am so much like you. it’s just that when someone points that out i focus on the bad parts of you. that part weighs more.

so i wont say i miss you for the millionth time. if i’m being rational it’s probably for the better. i know it’s for the better. and even then i know you look at me, protect me in your own ways.

i just wish i wasn’t a son but a friend. i wish i could’ve played a bigger role in your life. i wish you could be more than the pictures in the drawer, or stories told by people who loved you yet could only come that realization after your departure. i wish you had more advantage in life — that the odds would’ve been in your favor. i wish that even though i know you do, i could hear you say that you love me. one last time.

so no, i won’t say i miss you…

not out loud.

syd