october 9

in the corners of the darkest depths where no one bats an eye, i yearn for simpler times, (calling it "simple" would be ludicrous, and yet i'm contradicting myself. i intend to do so.) where i could feel your skin touch mine. those days have long passed yet i can't stop writing about it. i can't stop thinking about it. i used to be good at it but it feels harder to do so now.

i am writing this to you, from a town far away from "home". everyone who knew me at home knew your name too. and you, are away from that place as well. i can't imagine what you feel right now, but it is safe to assume we are both struggling to fit in.

a little bird told me few details about your new life. are you content with your decisions? the town you're in right now, it's not your initial choice but i know for a fact you're going to make it your new home. cherish it.

i feel vulnerable around here without you. a new breath of air with no one around me, but i especially feel your absence. there's no wind around this part of town, and the sea is out of sight. the tides are turning…

we had a good run, you and i, don't you think so? we brought out the best and the worst in ourselves. now i just feel your ghost around me, crawling under. and it lingers around… it will, for a while. i know that it sucks, but i also know now...

i know… i know it's for the better.

october 15

precisely the night that turns 15 to 16, 3 am.
i'm trying to catch up on my sleep yet i hear the voice of some boy and it awfully reminds me of you. the window is open and there is a chill breeze for a while, when suddenly the wind blows into my face and i am back to you.
sitting across you in some place at some corner of some street, there is old men sitting around and then there's us because it's cheap and it's homey - and also because it's the only place we won't attract attention. we are both holding a cup of tea (which you insisted to pay for), and it tastes gross but it's you that mattered to me. we would both light up a cig and i remember the smoke blowing into my face vividly. we would talk about everything and nothing at the same time.

a fond memory of mine... i yearn for simpler times.

i blink for a second and i'm no longer holding a cup, and i feel myself sinking into bed.

i am back to that unfamiliar room.

one day i was wearing a cheap tote bag with some text written all over it, and you were confused because you didn't speak english - you asked me what it meant. i translated it to you,

"some pray for rain, others pray for peace." i gulped for a moment - as i locked eyes with you as i said,
"i pray for your happiness. with, or without me."

it's like we both knew it wasn't meant to be, because you looked at my eyes in such a way...

word's can't explain this one.

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born the angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born the angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

Wa, close to you
Wa, close to you
Ha, close to you
La, close to you

November 17

There’s no view of the ocean around here.

I can’t see you, yet the wind still blows. I feel your spirit all around me, even now.
I draw your face around to keep remembering but it seems I have forgotten what you looked like.
Better yet, I forgot how you felt like.

I can’t remember how I felt when I was around you. It’s a strange feeling. I know time heals everything and I know months have passed and you’re in a better place now and there’s another girl around your arm but I can’t shake the feeling. It’s hard to get over you. You were a home, you were my home, we would do everything together and I know you can’t deny it. We were two kids in love. I know it’s for the better – but why… Why couldn’t things just go the way it should’ve? Why was our love swept under the rug, why was it secretive, why couldn’t we just love each other all out in the open, like all the other people around the world? Why was our love so forbidden?

I know all the answers now but I still ask these questions. We were doomed, from the start, from birth, two boys loving each other when the lights are out.

I loved you the way you were and you loved me in your own way, but you kept my name like a secret - whereas it should've been cherished.
I hope the road ahead of you is one with a big enlightenment, and I hope you find peace, because at the end of the day, I still think fondly of you,
and I wish for nothing but your happiness,

even if it’s without me.

Who are you?

I knew who I was the second time I stepped into the Earth.
I experienced rebirth, fully knowing my new purpose now.
I touched the grass, reconnected with the nature, for the second time.
I felt the wind blow in my face and it meant nothing to me for the first time.
I found a new home, and I went to places where no one knew your name.
I felt affection, for the first time –
The second time.

I took a sacred bath, scrubbed every inch of myself
Till I was clean everywhere.
I shredded my skin, standing in silence while the floor was gushing red.
I felt at peace,
For the first time –
The second time.

I fasted for days, as I no longer cared for hunger,
to cleanse myself from the past mistakes
To be pure for the first time –
the second time.

You took all the meaning and I didn't care for it back then.
Now the world is brighter again – the way it was always meant to be.
The coast is clear and so is the weather around this part of town.
My inner world is healing and I am to witness it, for the first time.

And, who am I?

Someone,
who knows better,
for the first time,
the second time.

(a writing from spring, presumably around march / revised in nov 19)