february 8

i can't believe it's 2025 already.

i think i lost track of time, and the moment i realized that was when i realized trump is the potus. and that has been, what, two days since i realized it? i think it was around the time for my finals.

i'm finished with the fall term. i went back to the city on the 16th, the same day with my last exam of the term. i am to return on the 13th of this month.
i think it's been a year now since sydnia. i still don't know what the fuck i am doing. the site is in a half-broken state but i am too tired to fix it. i'm really losing passion for coding, i think i would prefer if this shit was like tumblr or, i don't know, wordpress, carrd? where i could just type without all the hard work.

but enough about coding. i have embraced a new lifestyle, ladies and gentlemen. here is a day in my life.

1 - wake up at 7:30 sharp every weekday, do my quick skincare, wear planned outfit from yester-evening and head straight to class
2- as breakfast, drink a green tea from the building and a pack of cigarettes which i swore to quit a day before that
3 - break-down over lunch because french is nowhere near a1 yet i'm on a2 curriculum, i can't speak fluently, the fucking r's are not rolling off my tongue
4 - drink an overpriced coffee with friends after class which i will definitely regret once i check out my bank app, simultaneously chain-smoking, of course.
5 - return to dorm, realize i am hungry and the cafeteria @ dormitory is, yet again, serving the absolute worst food that is guaranteed to give me a skin cancer if i eat it, so i have to eat takeout food, which means spending even more money
6 - before heading to sleep, pray, even though you don't really believe (but kinda do), pray - to some sort of entity so that i get money, from somewhere, fucking anywhere, because i just spent it all

that's just a typical weekday, folks. have i mentioned that on the weekends, i sleep till 2:30 pm, barely get up at 3, call said friends to have "breakfast" outside, because they also slept (which i was right, she literally woke up to my call!), drink more coffee, smoke, fucking smoke, in, and out, with or without coffee, just cigarettes consuming me once again, even though i fucking SWORE to quit it.


but of course... i am being dramatic. other than excessive spending issues, i am absolutely loving my new life. it's fabulous, i am barely an adult doing whatever the fuck i want with adult money.

(february)

since jan 17, i watched:

anora (2024)
babygirl (2024)
big little lies (hbo, 2017)
high fidelity (hulu show, rewatch, 2020)
abbott elementary season 3
(and some of the season 4 but it's still being aired)
in vogue: the 90s (documentary on d+, 2024)
veep (seasons 1-5 / hbo)
the comeback (two seasons / hbo)
bridget jones diary
started normal people but not finished :/

i also plan to watch queer, all of us strangers, fellow travellers, and severance. i also saw a new show on prime called clean state which also looks fun to watch.

during this month, i also read my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh, and everything i know about love by dolly alderton. these are, very easy-to-read books, but i have been struggling with getting back to my reading habits, so these two were great to get me back on track.

this month i decided to consume media, and drown myself in it - i wanted to rest in my little room.

may 3

i totally forgot i was doing this...

sometimes i think that - whenever i return to SYDNIA , or rather just coding, it means i'm recessing, or dare I say relapsing, maybe because I associated it with negative sentiments.
i have been all over the place lately , and i have been great at reflecting it in whether my projects, my output towards people or in an academic sense. i feel like an outsider looking in, my mind is scattered, like my mind is somewhere else.
this was something i was aware of but recently it slapped me on the face when my french teacher gave me a reality check -
which i'm so glad she did, i love her, even though it kinda hurt... but not because of her, because she praised me so much - but she praised the before syd , not this new syd that she has been seeing for a awhile. how i used to be something so much better, etc.

few weeks ago i took a trip with my college friends, just a quick weekend getaway, this part of the country near the sea. it's been so... so long since i have seen the sea, due to my college town being nowhere near. and that weekend, it was significantly more important to me, because it was my anniversary - anniversary of my "revival".
(im really sorry if this is cheesy)

but i was not enjoying it at all. my mind was not there- despite my friends best attempts. i guess my past has been catching up to me, or it's moreso i am sabotaging this time where i finally reached a calm state of mind.
this part of country - it lets me be my true self, without anyone from my hometown. here, i feel free, i'm breathing, reached tranquility, comme ça.

i need to get a fucking grip. i can't let this feeling render me useless.

instead... maybe, i can find a way to work around it - wear it around like a badge.

the windbreaker

whenever that particular wind blows, i feel your touch - and every inch of me quivers. it's like a soft kiss of a ghost from the past, which renders me useless. for a brief moment, i am back in that state of mind... i give in.

and when the present catches up to me, i gather my thoughts, and breathe the old familiar air, without chanting your name.

-

ps:
not relapsing.
just getting it out of my system.

may 4

the weather has been a beautiful mess lately - it's not dependable at all, some days it rains for days and it even snowed in april, but lately the sun has been making a comeback and it's safe to say it will stay for good. as for me, my mind is still not *really* here. this weekend was just me rotting in bed and eventually stopping by the cafe for the public wi-fi.

my finals are slowly coming up, and after there is *the* exam in june. so it is crucial for me to lock tf in. i am still trying to figure out how. i'm very tired of this period in my life. i want to go back home and crawl up in my bed, act like time has stopped.

et aussi - la façon dont j'ai vraiment besoin de commencer à parler français niveau B1 maintenant, c'est juste... wow. ouais. je suis tellement épuisé, genre je te jure.

lord give me strengthh

consumerism manifesto

1- ray-ban wayfarer for some odd reason. very basic item that i desire. a friend said they aren't built strong enough so i'll put this on pause.
2- a gold casio watch because i can't read analog (this is embarrassing actually)
3- puma speedcats. conflicted between red and black. but puma palermos probably make much more sense.
4- aqua kiss bodyspray. or marine splash. i haven't actually smelled either - i need to do that before.
5- bunch of shiny gold necklaces… with lots of popping colours.
6- a big, and i mean birkin 40 type of big, black bag so i can stuff all my items in.
7- a stanley - and yes this is actually way too much like i dont really need this lmfao be so ffr

so yeah definitely not a material person here ... 😭😭

@433

something shifted - and by that i mean , i got a sudden illness that just slapped me on the face real good.
i think it's something to do with these iced lattes - or maybe my roomie getting a little sick , or both. but i have been sleeping and skipping classes for few days. but i have also been studying, so it's not all bad. today i am going back home - it's my sister's bday and mine is coming up in 5 days. i got her a beautiful bag and a copy of sunrise on the reaping. actually i didn't get it for her, but i know i'm not going to read it at the moment so why not turn it into a little gift?
as for me - i don't know how my birthday is going to be. i'm not gonna be at home so not with my family, that's for sure. aand i'm not talking to my friends from last year.

so it's all just... me?