syd's notepad

you found my diary! here are some few things to remember:
i may discuss heavy topics, and use vulgar language - which may not be suitable for everyone. please be aware.

1 sep 2024: @511

Lot of stuff happening at the time. As I am going to leave the city, I have been shopping for essentials. I am between transferring data from my old device to the new one I just bought. New clothes, most of them are bought out of necessity (which is new for me, as I love buying new clothes.)
My mind is busy. It's a good thing. I have lot on my plate but not too much that it feels like I am sinking. A good balance.
A new month is upon us. The weather is changing - it is subtle but it is changing. It is also officially "let's meet up before I go" season.
I don't think I still comprehend what is goinig on - the fact that I am going to leave my hometown, my family, and everything that I had experienced here.
It still feels surreal. I'll probably keep feeling like this for a while, before I finally go.

I'll miss this city.

24 aug 2024: @650

I was under the belief that when artists have found peace and happiness in their life, their work of art - specifically albums in this context - wouldn't be as good as when they were miserable.
It's like how people thought Eminem's albums were worse now that he is sober. (I actually hate him. this is just an example.)

Because they have less to say - like how Apple said:
"If I'm having a good time and I'm happy, and things are going really well, why would I want to stop what I'm doing to go and write at the piano?"

I write less now. I don't keep a physical diary like I used to. There aren't random wall of text in my notebooks.

And maybe I shouldn't feel bad about this. Maybe it's a sign that I feel better.

And also, Solar Power is an ethereal experience.

21 aug 2024: @722

it is officially one week since i last updated. it's been a dull week - uneventful. lately i've been trying to take off items from my checklist.

i just ordered travel-size hairdryer. i think things are starting to become serious now.
i really am leaving this town... for better or for worse.
hopefully, for the better.

Syd

14 aug 2024: @653

i'm afraid i'm back to my sleepless nights.
for a while, i wasn't struggling with my sleep schedule at all. i would sleep early, then i would get up early, and i would've had plenty of sleep. for a few days, however, this has not been the case.
yesterday, i slept for ages. today, i hadn't slept at all.
it's an unpleasant experience. i feel cranky.
i see december in my unsettling dreams.
the gentle breeze in the night reminds me of the bleak rainstorm of winter.

i feel uneasy.

07 aug 2024 : the first entry (imported from diary) @???

it feels so good to start over.

in april, i nearly lost control of myself. the experience left a scar on me, reminding me of what i have been through, but also how i was able to carry on. i was hospitalized for a week. it was perhaps the most important week ever in my life. i had plenty of time to reflect on myself. i feel a little bad for saying this, since everybody i knew cried around me, but in all honesty- it felt like a much-needed vacation. when i was discharged, i had left a lot of things behind that room.
sometimes, i feel like we get a little too caught up that we miss the bigger picture. i lost a lot of things dear to me during, but the whole experience had opened my eyes.

as for the website, i had lost all my motivation for the website. for starters, it didn't feel right to keep my writings in the site as i felt disconnected to them - and they didn't reflect me anymore. after a long period recharging, i started to build the site from the scratch. i really hope you guys will like it like i do.
as for the future, i have plans to leave my hometown around fall, which isn't that far. i have roughly one or two months left. it feels so surreal, yet it also feels right. a fresh breath of air awaits. i really hope i'll like my new surrondings and be able to adjust. the timing couldn't be right.

thank you, for reading up to this point, and also thank you for following me throughout this journey. i can't wait to share the rest of it.

lots of love,
Syd